Forbidden Feelings
by Luddy Snape
Summary: Hermiones life is only a bunch of emotions. Ron, the one she loves so much, efers dating Lavender and ignores her. But through a coincidence she finds out that someones life is much more complicated than hers and she is starting to feel things she never thought they could possibly happen...
1. The Forbidden Forest

The Forbidden Forest

Hermione was sitting in the library. She was alone and focused on a book about the Goblin wars.  
"Stop following me!" Hermione looked up astonished. This was Malfoys voice.  
"I'm just trying to help you!" Snape? Now really interested, Hermione laid an ear on the shelf that speperated her from them and listened to the converation.  
"I don't need your damn help! It's my task. MINE!"  
"Don't be so stubborn!"  
"I'm not stubborn! I want to make MY task. Understand it: I. Don't. Want. Your. Damn. Help!"  
"You're so unreasonable!" The following noise sounded like Snape was pushing Malfoy to the shelf. "You know that I will make the task if you won't be able to it. You shouldn't make me angry!"  
"But I will be able to it, _Professor_. Let me go!" There was a long break, than she heard footsteps and saw Malfoy leaving the room.  
Hermione closed the book. Her concentration was gone. What was going on? She packed her stuff into her bag. While she did, her inkpot fell clattering to the ground. It broke and the girl repaired it hastily with a spell. As she looked up she looked right into the the angry face of Severus Snape. "What are you doing here?", he hissed malignant.  
"Learning", Hermione said as calm as she was able to,"to my knowledge it's not forbidden, Sir, is it?"  
"How amusing, Miss Granger. 10 points from Gryffindor."  
Hermione gritted her teeth. That was so unfair.  
"What have you heard?" Snape sounded sharp and calculating.  
"You mean your conversation with Malfoy? Well, it was hard to ignore you."  
Faster than Hermione could realize the teacher grabed her collar.  
"Don't dare to mention this to one of your friends", he hissed menacing. It was the first time in her life that Hermione was really afraid of him. Sure, he gave her often a little unease, but this was completely different. She was afraid he could hurt her.  
"I-I promise", she stuttered trembling. Snape seemed to notice her fear and he let her go.  
"Fine", he murmured absent. He turned round and left the room. Hermione stared after him. She never had seen her teacher like this. It almost seemed like he comletely lost control for a moment.

Later, when Hermione laid in her warm and cudly bed, she still thought about the conversation between Snape and Malfoy. And about Snapes reaction. Was he feeling guilty now because he scared her?  
Hah! As if Snape would feel sorry for something. He was an egoistic bastard. He always was. Hermione however admired him because of his enormus knowledge.

Damn it! Why am I thinking about Snape? I should sleep now!

She turned to the other side of her bed. Other thoughts came to her mind as she saw the girl sleeping next to her. Lavender. Lavender and Ron. Smooching.  
Again she turned round and laid now on her back. Somehow the red baldaquin calmed her down. Only a minute later she felt asleep.

On the next day she woke up early. Her head still was full of thougts she did not need. She tried to put them away by a cold shower. But the only effect of it was, that she screamed and jumped back because of the enomus shock the cold left in her body. Finally she slipped and banged her head on the wall. She stood up moaning.  
"Is everything allright?", she heard Lavenders sugarsweet voice.  
"Yeah", she shouted.

I hate you.

Later in the Great Hall Hermione noticed perplexed how tired she was. How long did she thought about all this things? She cursed Ron and Lavender ... and Snape, too. Yes, Snape gave her many things to reflect. Damn, why was she thinking about Snape? She had bigger problems. And they were sitting on the table. Smooching. Hermione wanted to render up. This ... there were no words for Ron. She had no more power to watch it. Hastily she turned round and left the Great Hall. To clear her head she went outside. She felt tears on her cheeks. Tears she won't admit. With wet cheeks she started to run as if she could leave her sorrows behind.

Fine. Ron was smooching Lavender. Why not?

"I don't care!", she shouted aloud. Nobody answerd her. Hermione closed her eyes to stop the tears. But she didn't stop running. The tears still wet her cheeks and because of her now heavy breathing, she tasted salty water in her mouth. She was a bit afraid to crash with something, but it didn't happen.  
Suddenly it seemed to be colder. Reluctantly she opened her eyes. At first everything was blurred under tears, but then she saw, that she was in the Forbidden Forest. It was dark in here, because the trees blocked the daylight. She felt panic, but tried to keep calm.

If I go straight ahead I will come out of here.

Hermione startet to walk. She didn't make any curves and walked straight. But about ten minutes later she realized that she was walking in the wrong way. Now she was deeper in the woods.

Okay, no panic. I just turn round and walk back.

She turned in a semicircle and walked back the way she came from. But now the panic was rising in her. Did she passed this tree already? But every tree looked simular. Hermione turned in a circle. Which way? Why was there no path? Did she passed this place already?  
Hermione wanted to scream in fear as she heard a sielent sobbing. It didn't sound like a terrible creature. No, it sounded like a human. A crying human. But perhaps it was a human who knew the way out. Or a human who cried because he lost his way... but she wasn't alone. That fact made her brave again. Even if the other person didn't know the way out she would had one to search with.  
So she followed the sound of the sobbings. As she crossed around a bend she held her breath scared. There was the person who cried. And it was none other than Severus Snape. He was graping a tree and cried hardly. Hermione was sure, that he would have collapsed if he didn't hold the tree.  
It was strange to see Snape like this. He looked so helpless and lost. In this moment Hermione became aware that Snape had none to share his sorrow with. He had no friends, except for Lucius Malfoy and some other Death Eaters, who were sure no real friends. Moreover, Snape would not show weakness in front of this persons. When Hermione was sad, she always went to Harry or Ginny. She could tell them everything and cry on their shoulders. Snape didn't have such persons. The only one who could comfort him was this tree, but it was obviously not suitable for that.  
When Hermione saw him like this, she felt compassion. She had the strong impulse to hug him but one secound later she hated herself for it. Sure, Snape would be very happy if he would find out that she saw him like that. If he would notice her she would probably get detention till the end of her life. That's why Hermione decided to run away. She walked backwarts to keep him in sight. Where was this bloody bend?  
Suddenly something made a loud noise. Damn it, she steped on a branch. Snape whirled around. Hermione looked in his eyes, guiltly and afraid.  
"Miss Granger." She was frightned by the sound of his voice. So many emotions were in the wording of the Professor. He sounded sad and afraid, but also angry and aggressive. It was something else in it, that Hermione did not recognize.  
This mix of emotions scared Hermione. Apparently Snape was unpredictable in the moment. He just stared at her, the eyes full of tears, but he also seemed cold and repellent as always. She could formally see his brain working. Propably he was thinking how the keep her quiet or how to punish her.  
But as he looked into Hermiones eyes she recognized something else in his glance: Despair.  
Five minutes later he also just stared at her, so she asked carefully: "Pr-Professor?"  
He didn't move. Carefully she walked a few steps towards him. Again he showed no reaction. "What .. what's up?", she asked, nearly worried.  
'Run! Run als long as you can!', a voice in her head shouted.  
Snapes eyes seemed to lost their shine. He still glanced at her but he seemed to be dull and absent. Hermione now seriously asked herself what could make him lose controll so hard. He didn't seem to realize anything.  
"Wha are you doing here, Miss Granger?" Hermione winced. She didn't expect him to talk.  
"I-I ... I ... I lost my way...", she mumbled ashamed and blushed.  
"Ah." Every emotion disappeared from his voice. "You shouldn't be here, Miss Granger, should you? You should be in lesson." Heaven, School! She was too late!  
"20 points from Gryffindor!"  
"B-but why!?", Hermione shouted angry. She did nothing at all.  
"Well, Miss Granger, because this ...", he moved his arm in a semicircle," ...is the Fobidden Forest. Do you understand? FORBIDDEN."  
Hermione blushed again. Of course he was right. She wasn't allowed to be here.  
"And now I would suggest that you go to your lesson. Now", he hissed aggressive.  
Hermione nodded and wanted to walk away, but like on the day before Snape grabed her collar and pulled her close to himself.  
"You won't tell ANYBODY what you've seen!", he whispered threatening. She nodded heavy but he didn't let her go. He came close to her until their faces nearly touched each other und said quiet but with such a horrible sound in his voice: "If someone in school tells tales about a crying teacher in the forest then, I promise you, Miss Granger, you will regret the day of your birth."  
"Tha-that won't happen ..." Hermione panted. He held on to her so hard, that she almost wasn't able to breathe. But although he surely noticed it, he didn't let her go. "I hope so, Miss Granger. Otherwise I would threat you, like a _Death Eater_ should threat a _mudblood_ like you."  
He said it. Snape dared to call Hermione a mudblood. Her fear was gone and she felt only anger.  
"Don't call me mudblood", she hissed.  
"Really?", the teacher said aggressive, "You are a mudblood, aren't you Miss Granger?"  
"Shut up!"  
"Your parents are muggles, aren't they? Sure, only muggles could gave birth to so an insufferable know-it-all like you are."  
"Shut up!"  
"Well, perhaps they are lucky that you go to Hogwarts for such a long time. Otherwise they could feel a bit of inferior quality, right?"  
"Shut the fuck up!", Hermione shouted and before she could realize it, she gave her teacher a slap into the face. Snape stared at her. Next to the anger also surprise was in his glance. Almost mecanic his hand went up to his face. Hermione stared at him. Damn it, how could she do such things? She felt tears, which she really could not use in this moment, fall down from her eyes.  
"I'm sorry", she whispered. Snape didn't say anything. Hermione thought, it would be better to leave now before Snape could realize what happened. But as she turned round she triped over a root. She already saw a big trunk coming closer to her, almost felt the pain, as Snape graped her Fingers and pulled her up. As she looked at him, he seemed to be like always. The only difference were the drying tears on his cheeks.  
"Silly Girl", he murmured. Now, as she stood safe on the ground, he took his hand back. Hermione stared at him as if he were a ghost. Well, no, she'd never stared on ghosts.  
Snape looked at her for a while then he meant coldly: "I don't think that now it's the right time for a staring contest. You should be in lesson." She winced. Damn, yes, she should go the lesson! But were was the path?  
"Pro-Professor?", she asked shy. Snape looked at her with his cold eyes. "I ... I don't know the way out ... well ... I ... can you tell me where to go?"  
"Follow me", the Professor said coldly and walked away with big steps. Hermione could hardly follow him. Snape looked forward stubborn until they reached the end of the forest.  
"I hope the rest of the way is no problem", he said icy. Hermione nodded ashamed. Without saying anything else her teacher turned round and walked away to the Great Lake. Hermione watched him buffled, then she remembered school and hasted up to the castle.


	2. Extortion

Extortion**  
**

Because Hermione had to go to the History of Magic lesson now, she didn't get punnished for comming late. Professor Binns read his historystuff and didn't even noticed she entered the room. But the students did and started whispering to each other. Hermione did not care about it. Why wasn't she allowend to come to late for one time? It never happaned before. Sure, one time she missed Flitwicks class, but that was when she used the Time Turner. She had been in lesson, but in another class.

Exceptionally Hermione could not follow the words of her transparent teacher. She always had to think of Snape. Why did he cry? It did not match with him. On the other hand: What did she know about the inscrutable Master of Potions? Well, he know taught Defense Aganst the Dark Arts but he was the perfect Potions Master. Slughorn was nothing compared with him. Why did he changed subjects?  
Hermione startled. Almost she had not noticed the end of the lesson. Hastily she left the classroom. When she saw Ron and Lavender in the corridor -in an intimitate hug of course- everything became to much for her. She turned round and went into the next toilett. There she splashed icy water in her face for about five minutes. She had terrible headaches. Everything was to much. Ron and Lavender and now even Snape. Damn it, why Snape? He should solve his problems by himself. But it got not out of her mind how sad he had been in the forest. Someone like Severus Snape sure not was seen crying very often.

Damn it. I have bigger problems like Snape. And they're called Ron. And Lavender.

Vigorous she turned off the water and left the room. She would not let anything allow distract her. Damn it, this year was important! Determined not to get distracted by him she went to Defense Against the Dark Arts.  
But when she saw Snape sitting on his desk she immediately remembered his desperate face in the forest. He seemed to comprehend her expression because he stared at her really saturnine. Hermione hastily walked to Harry. But then she saw Ron standing next to him. She was not really in the mood to talk to him. Leastways Lavender wasn't in the class. She could not endure this stupid girl anymore.

Her 'Luck' became perfect as Snape wanted her to work together with Draco Malfoy. He wasn't very friendly to her. At the end of the lesson she had got many bruises.  
Angrily she put her bag up and wanted to leave the room as Snapes voice made her stand at once: "Stop, Miss Granger."  
The other students watched her astonished. As calm as she could Hermione turned round. "What is it, Professor Snape?"  
"Come to me. The others: Get out!" She felt the gazes of the students in her back while she was walking to the desk. Snape said nothing until the others left the room. Hermione was waiting nervously for his request. But obviously the teacher had fun in making her tense because he said nothing at all.  
"Professor?", she asked as she could not endure the silence anymore, "What do you want from me?" Snape lifted his head. Their eyes met. No emotion was to see in his black eyes anymore. "I want you, Miss Granger, to stop asking questions and listen to me." He breathed dramtically. "I know that you always think of what you have seen. That's why I think the best thing would be if you leave this class."  
"But ...", Hermoine shouted because she didn't want to admit this unfairness but Snape interrupted her: "Silence. I don't want to see you in this class anymore."  
"That's not fair!"  
"What's fair in this world?"  
"But my marks are good!"  
"Your marks are ALWAYS good, Miss Know-It-All."  
"You have no plausible reason ..."  
"You are wrong, I have!"  
"That's not enough!"  
"It is for me!" Hermione plondered, then she said something that needed all her willpower: "If you do this I will tell everyone what I've seen."  
Snape stood up. His eyes were full of wrath. "Do you want to extort me, Miss Granger?", he asked menacing.  
"I ... I just want to stay in class", Hermione said and looked bravely in his face.  
Snape walked around the desk and stood now right in front of her. Inevitably her hands startet shaking. He grined scornfull. "Where is your courage?", he asked mocking.  
"It's still there", Hermione said courageous. "I still mean what I've said." His grin disappeared. "Listen, if you do this ..."  
"... you won't be able to change it." Hermione watched him determined. Snape just stared at her. He didn't seem to expected that she would resist him so constantly. Or dare to extort him. "Fine", he said after a while,"I will let you stay in class."  
She could not believe it. Did she just won against Snape?  
"On the other hand", her teacher said and Hermiones good feeling disappeared, "you have perhaps some secrets, too, that the school should now, haven't you?"  
"Have I?" She had know idea what he was talking about, she did not have any secrets.  
"Well, school is perhaps the wrong word", he smirked, "but how would Mr Weasley react if he would know your thoughts all day long?"  
Hermiones viscera seemed to freeze. Why the hell did he know that?  
"I think it makes no difference if he will hear it", she whispered as brave as she could.  
"You don't care about it?" His question sounded searching but Hermione honestly said: "This idiot would not notice the truth if you would tattoo it into his stupid brain."

What the hell I am talking about?!

Snape didn't said anything but watched her with a unfathomable glance. Hermione bowed her head. Why did she had to say this? This was the point he could hurt her, perfect to attack.  
"You should better go now, Miss Granger", Snape finally said and sat down again.  
"Do ... Do I stay in class now?"  
"We will see it later", the teacher said elusively and showed her with his hand to go. Perplexed Hermione left the room.

The rest of the day she concentrated on school work. It was harder than normally to her but finally she managed to fade out everything around her. 

In the evening, when she laid in her comfortable bed again, she finally allowed the thoughts to come to her mind. Damn it, why Ron could not smooch with her? Why could Lavender not just dissappear? Why Snape was crying secretly in the forest? So many questions and no answers. What annoyed her the most in this situation was the fact, that she didn't want to think about all this things. Particularly not of Snape. He should solve his problems by himself!

Why does Ron not notice my feelings for him?

Hermione hide herself under her blanket as if she could throw the thoughts away like this. She closed her eyes but again and again Ron and Lavender appeared in her head. And Snape. A crying, desperate Snape who lost completly control.

Damn it, out of my mind!

But the Imagination-Snape wouldn't listen to her. He continued haunting trough her brain and brought her nearly to madness. She didn't know what time it was, when she finally fell alseep, but it seemed like there were only a few secounds passed by until the alarm clock sounded it's horrible sound. Hermione stood up grumbling. Leastways it was friday. At the moment she really had no ambition to go somewhere. She was so tired. Today she would go to bed early. Although - damn it, today was a Slugclubparty. Sigh, she promised to come. Fuck. She would have to go through it. She only hoped, that the party would not take too long. Or that she could vanish early.


	3. Feelings

Feelings

In the evening Hermione, fancy dressed and with tamed hair, went to Professor Slughorns party. Actually she was really tired but for nothing in the world she would break a promise.

As she entered the room she noticed, that she was a bit late, the others were already there. She sat down quickly next to Harry. He smiled at her. Slughorn nodded to her friendly and she got something to eat. Actually she wasn't hungry but to be polite she ate some bites. The whole stay took so long that she was wondering, if the clock maybe was ticking too slowly. Hermione finally went out as one of the first.

It was dark there, in the corridors because the torches spent more shadows than lights. Furthermore Hermione was again busy with her thoughts and so it was no wonder that she didn't notice that someone came towards her. She ran right into him. As she looked up shocked she noticed it was Snape. She met him way to often in the last time.

"Can't you watch out?", he asked angrily.

"Pardon", Hermine murmured. In the crash with him her bag fell to the ground. All her senses refused to bow down. But what could happen worst? Nothing bad came to her mind and so she leaned down and graped her bag, which laid in front of his feets.

As she stand up again she suddenly noticed an expression in Snapes face she'd never seen there before. She could not explain to herself, what kind of meaning it had until he pointed with his finger on her chest. Hermione looked down and noticed horrified that her dress was was slippend and he could see everything. Blushing she turned away. Why must something like this happen in front of HIM?

And he looked to it!

Hermione put her dress in order. She would never wear this thing again. She turned back to him. Snape grined amused. In her mind she hit him with her bag. Without saying any word she left place and went upstairs.

Idiot!

As she finally laid in her bed she could't find sleep. Too many thoughts went trough her mind.

Ron. Lavender. Snape. Ron. Lavender. Snape. Ron. Lavender. Snape. Ron. Snape. Ron. Snape. Ron. Snape. Snape. Snape. Damn it!

She shaked her head as if she could get rid of the Snape-thoughts by that. But he still haunted through her mind. Angrily she tried to get her head empty. But it didn't work.

Ron und Lavender.

Damn it, I want him! She felt pain in her chest. Lovesickness. Perfect.

Snape.

Why does he constantly appear in my mind? Why do I have to think about him? And suddenly she noticed with horrible clearness, that her feelings for Snape were identical with her feelings for Ron.

No! No, I don't feel for him! That's just in my head! Wake up Hermione!

She opened her eyes. Of course she was not sleeping. Angrily she stared into darkness. That could not be! She never could have somthing with Snape ... no! That was completely absurd! He was obnoxious, unatractive and disgusting! She must be wrong. Maybe she mixed up love with compassion in her mind.

But she knew that this feeling wasn't compassion. It was a mix of longing and desire - just the same things she felt for Ron. She shaked her head, as if the thoughts would vanish.

Why always the ones I can't reach?

Stop! No! She didn't wanted anything from Snape. This thought was disgusting. She shaked herself. Scary idea.

Hermione turned round in her bed. It seemed that hours must have been passed but she couldn't fall alseep. Finally she could not endure it anymore. She stood up and just left the room. Inside herself she knew that she should not do this and that it was forbidden but she needed fresh air now. So she passed through the portrait and walked down the stairs. She was terribly afraid a teacher could see her but the whole castle seemed quiet.

As she arrived the entrance hall she suddenly reminded, that the door was loked now at nights. Dumb. She would have liked to go outside.

Suddenly she heard the sound of footsteps. Panicly she looked around. The only way out was the door to the dungeons. She prayed that the door was not loked while she was running to it. Thank god it was open. Hastily she sliped through it and hide herself behind an armor. Only a few secounds the door opened a bit. She heard steps again and saw Professor Sprout. The teacher looked around and walked deeper into the dungeons. Hermione stood behind the armor until the professor came back and closed the door behind herself. She breathed relieved.

That was a close one.

But for her own safety she chose to leave the dungeons on the other side. That was sure a long way but it was better than be caught by Professor Sprout. What was she thinking by doing this?

Slowly she walked down. In thoughts she was with Ron again. Bloody Idiot! She felt tears droping down her cheeks. Angrily she wiped away them.

Suddenly she heard a clink. It sounded like a phial or something like that was broken. She looked up. With a shudder she noticed that she was standing in front of Snapes office. The noise seemed to came out from this room. What was happening there?

As Hermione noticed that the door was a bit open and she could not control her curiosity. Carefully she looked through the gap. What she saw then, horrified her deeply. Snape crouched on the floor. His face was full of tears again. He rolled up his sleeve so that Hermione could see his dark mark. In his right hand he held a broken phial and pushed it into his left arm. Scared Hermione saw that the glas was getting deeper into his skin with every push. Blood splashed out of the wound but Snape didn't stop. Again and again he hit his arm, the face full of misery and tears.

Hermione could not endure it anymore. What if he would kill himself?!

Without thinking about what she was doing she run into the room and pulled the phial out of the hand of the perplexed potions master. He stared at her.

"What ...?", he started but Hermione interrupted him: "Do you want to kill yourself!?"

"Why do you care about this?", Snape asked. He tried to sound threatening but he didn't manage it very well.

"I don't know, but this is ... this is ..." Hermione could not find a word for it. "This is sick", she finally murmured.

Snape laughed without emotion. He stood up laborious. His arm was still bleeding. Big red drops were falling to the ground. "So you think I am sick, don't you?" The sharpness returned to his voice. Hermione shaked her head. "No."

"How should I understand your statement then?"

"I think", Hermione said hesitantly, "that you just have a big problem, which you can not solve by yourself."

"You THINK." Snapes voice was full of sarcasm. "What a miracle. But I THINK that you have NOTHING to do with it."

"Yes, you are right." Hermione wanted to turn round but Snape graped her collar with his unharmed arm. "Miss Granger, I think you know that you shouldn't be here, right?"

"Y-yes."

"Nevertheless you are. May I ask you why?"

"Because ... because ..." Hermione hesitated. She didn't know what to say. Snape smiled scornfully. "Gryffindor loses 50 points for that."

Ashamed she lowerd her head. That was deserved. She broke the rules.

Snape let her go. He turned round. "If you tell that anybody", he explained to the wall, "you will regret the day you were born. And now get out!"

Hermione said nothing. She was afraid. Not afraid of Snape, no, not this time. She was afraid because more blood droped down from his arm to the floor. What would he do if she would go away now? She could not leave him alone in this situation. Particularly because ...

No! I have no feelings for him!

But her heart said something else. Carefully she walked a few steps closer until she stood right behind him.

"Pr-Professor?" He turned round shocked. Obviously he had not noticed that she stayed. His eyes were full of tears again and he looked very desperate.

"What?!", he shouted aggressive. His voice was trembling. Hermione hesitated a few secounds, then she carefully streched out her hand. She didn't realised by herself what she was doing. Snape stared at her while she carfully laid her hand on his wet cheek. She felt that he was trembling.

"M-Miss Granger?", he asked nearly shy. Hermione hastily moved her hand back.

"I'm sorry", she murmured. Snape looked at her with a strange view.

"You've cried", he finally said calm. Surprised Hermione looked at him. "Y-you too", she said quiet. He nodded. "I can't deny it." His voice still was calm. Hermione was wondered. She did not expect such a reaction.

"Professor Snape?", she asked shy. He looked at her. "Professor ... wha-what is going on?" His eyes immediately got harsh again. "You have nothing to do with that. NOTHING."

"I'm sorry." Hermione lowered her head.

"It's okay", Snape said. "Just stop thinking about it. You have your own problems."

She nodded mecanicly. Why he suddenly was so kind? His eyes were fixed on her but somehow the weren't cold anymore.

Damn it, this are no feelings! This is ... everything but this!

She felt how her heart beated faster and her lips started trembling. Something rumored in her belly and she felt like she was weightless. Damn it. Now she couldn't deny it anymore. There were feelings. Heavy feelings. And suddenly he bowed down to her. Their faces were only a noselength distanced. She could feel his warm breath on her face and she could perceive his wonderfull smell. She felt dizzy. And then he bowed to her a bit nearer. And his lips touched hers.


	4. One Night

One Night

Hermiones breath almost faded. It took her a few secounds to realize that Snape was kissing her. Her whole body was trembling but she didn't want to stop him. For some reason it was the first time since Ron and Lavender got together, that she really felt good. Carefully she kissed him back. His lips were tender and they trembled as much as hers. Gingerly she embraced him She felt his body trembling and realized how bad he felt. He didn't seem to forget his sorrows. Hermione gingerly embraced him harder. He carefully stroked trough her hair while he continued kissing her. Strangely Hermione felt really good now. She almost thought, that everything was allright, that all problems would vanish if he would kiss her forever. Her heart seemed to jump in her breast. She carefully stroked his back. He breathed slightly on her lips. Hermione closed her eyes and enjoyed it. His kiss progressively became passionate. Hermione could not controll her breathing anymore and gasped in lust. She embraced him very hard now. It was strange to feel his body this intense.

Now he stroked with his right hand over her cheek and stroked her hair back. Hermione raisend her head a bit and his lips went further down until he kissed her neck. Surprised Hermione gasped aloud. Her fingers clawed into his back. He groaned quietly.

What am I doing here?!

She let him go and bumped by mistake on his bleeding arm. He winced and groaned quietly in pain.

"I'm sorry!", Hermione said panicly. Snape said nothing and lowered his head.

After a while she carefully graped at his wounded arm. She pulled it to herself. Snape looked a her without any emotion. Hermione hesitated for a moment, then she softly pressed her lips on his wound. She tasted warm blood in her mouth.

Snape stroked her neck with his other hand. "Let it go." Hermione raised her head. He smiled with a sad glance in his eyes.

"Professor..." Her voice faded. She embraced him again, Her stroked her head with his right hand. Then he lowed his head and kissed her neck again. Hermione lowered her head und moaned quietly. Her heart was beating way to heavy. Carefully he pushed her sweathirt from her shoulder and put hist soft lips on the free space. She huged him harder while trembling. He slowly stroked her back. She leaned back more and suddenly lost her balance. With a silent scream fell to the ground. Snape catchend her and now he grined softly.

"Pay attention", he whispered und slowly let her go to the ground. Then he was above her. Hermiones heart was beating way to hard. How far would he go?

Snape kneed over her without touching her. Then he kissed her again. Hermione closed her eyes.

Damn it! Run before you regret it!

But now he was sitting on her. Hermiones reason vanished. She huged him again and pulled him closer. It felt right and wrong in the same time that he was almost laying on her. She felt every little move of his body. Carefully she laid her hands on his neck.

Suddenly Snape stood up and went a few steps backwarts. He held his still bleeding arm that he supportet on the floor. Hermionr felt bad. How was it possible that she didn't notice? His pain must be unendurable.

Hastily she stood up. "Professor Snape?"

"Miss Granger." His voice was trembling. The pain seemed to steal his voice. Hermione went towards him. He staggered and Hermione feard he would fall.

"Why are you doing such silly things?", Hermione said, half angry, half desperately.

"Normally I wouldn't had to use the arm", he said quietly. Horrified Hermione saw many already closend wounds and scars on his arm.

"How often do you do that?", she whispered in shock.

"It varies." Hermione felt tears on her face. "Stop doing that!", she shouted worried. Her teacher looked at her with a mix of incredulity and anger. "This is still my buisness."

She stared at him. Than she graped his arm and closed the wound with her wand. He looked at her frown upon. "Are you feeling better now, Miss Granger?"

"The question is, do you?"

"Who cares?"

"I do!" A moment long she saw something in his eyes she could not define. He graped her and. Hermione looked into his eyes, than she took his other hand, too. Carefully she stroked the now closed wound with her thumb. Snape looked at her for a while, then he kissed her again. He released her hand and hugged her, while stroking her hips. Then he let her go. She asked herself whyhe stopped. She didn't want it to end.

He constantly looked at her. Than he pushed his hands under her Shirt and she understood: He wanted to read from her face if it was okay or if he should stop. Hermione hesitated for a moment. She wore nothing under her Pyjamas. What if she would surrender to this strong feeling to let him do, whatever he wanted to do?

Are you mad?! It's Snape! Your teacher!

She couldn't do it. But it felt so good to be desired, not ignored.

Nobody will know.

The fight with herself was over with this thought. She smiled at Snape who now stroked higher with his hands. Her sweashirt followed the way and he dragged it over her head. Hermione let him do it. Only she and her lust that filled her whole body were existing in this moment. She softly took of Snapes long black cloak. Then she opened his shirt. Her hand were shaking but she got calmer with second. But she lost her patience about this many buttons. She wanted the shirt to open now! Snape seemed to be very amused about her impatience.

Finally Hermione opened the last button. One moment long both were just standing there, half-naked. Then Hermione huged him softly and kissed his shoulder. He stroked her back. It made her shiver. Then his hands went deeper. Hermione almost felt weightless. She allowed him to put her pants off. Carefully she opened his belt. She knew that there was no turning back now.

Snape pulled her soft to the ground and kissed her again. It was cold on the stones but it excited her because now Snape was the only warm spot near her. She hugged him tightly, felt his tense body above her and waited impatiently that it would finally happen.

Snape was prudently with her. He moved softly while Hermione closed her eyes and enjoyed. She wasn't a virgin anymore. Between her and Viktor Krum happend more than one kiss. But in contrast to Snape, Viktor had been really rough. It felt so different now. With Snape, she really felt loved.

When it was over, the cold came back at once in her body. Snape noticed it immediately. He stood up and graped his cloak. Then he throwed it to her and she catched it. Smiling, she cuddled herself in the surprising warm cloth. The whole cloak smelled like Snape.

Snape himself looked at her almost shy. Then he sat down next to her. Hermione laid the cloak around his shoulders, too and leaned herself on him. He didn't say anything against it.

Soon her eyes were closing and she got really tired. With her head on Snapes shoulder, she finally found some sleep.


	5. Helplessness and Desperation

Helplessness and Desperation

Hermione opened her eyes. Everything she saw was a stoned ceiling and some shelfs. Hastily she stood up. Everything was true. It wasn't a surreal dream, like she thought. She really had ... with Snape ...

She turned round. Snape sat there, with the back to the wall. He wore shirt and pants again while Hermione wore nothing but his cuddly cloak. On his lap laid an old pillow on which she obviosly slept.

She looked into his face. His head laid on his shoulder and his mouth was opened a bit. Hermione crawled next to him. She noticed that in sleep Snape was actually pretty. Sorrow and anger disappeared from his face. He looked relaxed and much younger.

Leave now! Leave before he wakes!

But Hermione ignored the voie inside her head. Carefully she stroked a strand of hair out of his face. He moved a little but it didn't wake him up.

Not knowing what to do, Hermione just looked at him. It was strange to have feelings for him. Feelings for Snape.

She carefully stroke his cheek. He quiely murmured something. It made her smile. This was kind of cute.

She sat down next to him and put her head on his shoulder. His breath made her really calm and she closed her eyes.

"M-Miss Granger?" Hermione startled. Obviously she woke him up. He looked at her with a very strange glance in his eyes. Did he regret his actions? Hermione didn't wated it to be like that. Well, actually she didn't know what she wanted anymore.

"G-Good Morning ... Professor Snape." She felt that she blushed.

"Morning", he murmured and looked to the ground. His long hair covered his face so Hermione couldn't see the expression inside it.

"L-listen", he finally begun, "what ... what happened tonight is ..."

"Yes?" Hermione hoped that he wouldn't apologize.

"I don't think that I have to explain you ... it's against the rules."

"Yes ... but ... but nobody will know." Hermione tried to smile as he looked at her. He opened his mouth but closed it without saying anything.

She bowed down and kissed his cheek. Then she hugged him slowly.

"Miss Granger ... please stop." Hermione let him go. She expected it, but it hurted anyway. As she looked back into his eyes she saw with a scare the many emotions inside it. He looked so helpless and confused.

"Professor ... may I help you?", she asked. Snape shaked his head.

"You distracted me a bit. A least for a while", he said quietly.

Hermione looked at him lovingly. She felt so much compassion for him. His problems surely were bigger then hers.

"Professor ... if ... if you want ... y-you can talk about ... about your problems ... with me and ... and if not ... then ... then I could just ... you know ..."

Snape didn't let her finish the sentence. He understood it anyway and hugged her tightly. His head layed on her shoulder and he was shaking. She stroked his back and he crawled his fingers in hers. It hurted but Hermione didn't say anything because she felt warm tears on her shoulder.

"Everthing will be fine", she whispered without believing it. Snape didn't react. Maybe becaue he was aware that not everything would be fine because Hermione Granger said that.

"I ... I'm sorry", he whispered.

"For what?" Hermione didn't think he had something to apologize for.

"E-everything ... just everything."

"I-it's okay. Everything's okay." Hermione stroked his back.

Suddenly Snape let her go and stared at her. "Sorry ... I ... I have lost ...controll completely."

"It is ... not that bad."

"Oh yes?" The sarcasm went back into his voice. "So you really think what happened tonight..." He coughed. "...is not that bad?"

"No", Hermione said honestly. "I'm just ... confused."

He lifted an eyebrow. "That means...?"

"Confused means confused. You're not full clear either."

"You don't say." He looked at her without any emotion. Hermione hesitated, then she kissed him. He pushed her back. Hermione was a bit offended. Now it was too late anyway. It already happened.

With her arms crossed she leaned on the wall. Snape did the same and looked straight stubborn. From time to time Hermione glanced shyly at him. He didn't move at all.

"How long will we do this?", she finally asked.

"As long as I wait for my cloak."

"Then I will have to pull it out." Snape twitched. Hermione rolled with her eyes. "You weren't so shy before."

"Before was before. Now is now." He didn't looked at her. She glanced angryly at him. Idiot.

Of course he is an idiot! It is Snape! And he is a man! Men are evil.

"You know, ignoring me doesn't make it unhappen."

"I know."

"You know...", Hermione said and got closer to him, "...this is not normal for me either."

"Hmhm." He took a step to the other side to keep the distance. Resigned she stood up. His cloak still felt good on her skin. She bowed down to put up her sweatschirt.

"Maybe I should have got a carriage." His voice was quiet and full of mockery. Hermione twitched and stared at him. She had then ... with Viktor ...

"How do you mean that?", she said as uncaring as possible.

"I think you know best by yourself." His voice didn't contain any emotions. She could not believe it.

"You're a pervert!", she shoutend and beated him up with her sweatshirt. Snape graped the shirt. "Stop it."

"Stop it to observe students!"

"I don't observe students. I had the job to controll the carriages and other places on this christmas. Actually I would have had to stop this."

"Then why you didn't?!" Hermione still was really angry.

"Because..." He took a deep breath. "I thought it would be better ... for you."

"Why do you care?!" Snape sighed. He rose his hand and put it on her cheek. "I care about everything that has to do with you, Hermione."

She took a step bak and stared at him with a scare. No! This couldn't be true! Snape felt something for her?! Impossible! And he used her forename...

"I'm sorry", he whispered.

"What? I mean ... that ... that is a bit too much for me."

"I see." He looked at the ground. "That's why I excused."

Hermione kneed down to him. "H-how long?"

"How long?"

"How long ... do you have this feelings for me?" He looked at her with his beautiful eyes. "Way too long."

Hermione didn't ask more. He seemed so lost inside. And she was sure that this feelings weren't his biggest problems.

He gave her the sweatshirt. Without saying anything she took it.

"Forgive me", he murmured.

"There is nothing to forgive." Hermione smiled a bit. Snape looked back to the ground. He obviously didn't share this thought.

Slowly she put her hand on his cheek. He looked at her, withot anger, just really, really tired. Carefully she kissed him. He didn't push her away, but he also didn't react at all. He just sat there without any emotion. Hermione severanced from him.

"Professor", she sighed, "what should I do now?"

He seemed amused. "Can't you decide for yourself?"

"Not in the moment."

"Well, that's your problem." Snape put on his legs an entwined the arms around his knees. She was a bit stunned. That pose didn't fix with him.

He didn't do anything so she put off the cloak. He looked to the other side. A little annoyed Hermione put her sweatshirt on. Then she stood up and graped her pants.

"See you, professor", she murmured. Snape showed no reaction.

"I said goodbye." Hermione got angry.

"No, you didn't."

"I did now!"

"I wish this goodbye was forever."

"Yes, I love you too", Hermione said angry and left the office. She payed attention that nobody would see her and went back to bed. How the hell could this happen?!


	6. Dizziness

Later, when Hermione sat in the Great Hall for breakfast she often glanced to the teachers table. Snape didn't look at her. He stared at his food, but he barely ate something. Hermione saw how Professor McGonagall spoke to him. He shaked his head.

Is something wrong?

No.

Sure, sure. There was so much wrong with Snape that Hermione wondered how he was still alive. If he would continue like this, it won't take long to his dead. What if he would cut his arterys?! This thought really scared her.

"Do you have something, Hermione?", Harry asked. Maybe he noticed her worried expression.

"Love", she murmured. It wasn't a lie.

"I see." As if he would. Luckly, he would never know...

What have I done?

Her head was full of thoughts. It got worse when she saw Ron and Levender entering the hall. Nothing had changed on her feelings for Ron. How could that be? How could she love two people at the same time? And why those two?! One of them was an idiot who smooched another and the other one ... was Snape. Snape! That was so crazy!

"Don't worry. Everything will be okay." Harry smiled at her.

"Excuse me." Hermione left without waiting for an answer. With a deep sigh she leaned on the wall and closed her eyes.

"Come with me." She startled as she heard his voice. Impatiently he beckoned her to his office. Hermione followed him inside.

"Sit down." He pointed on achair in front of his desk. She sat down. Snape walked to his own chair and crossed his fingers.

"Well", he began, "You surely will understand that I have no other choice. I have to do this."

He gave her a piece of parchment. Hermione took and read it. Indignantly she laid it down.

"You put me out of the class?!"

"I think you understand why. And if you don't, you're not able to chance it either." He crossed his arms. Hermione looked to the ground. She understood him, yes. But she had to stay in the class.

"I understand you ... but please understand me. I want to study and I need Defense Against dark Arts for it."

He looked at her for a long time. Then he sighed. "Okay. Merlin, I don't belive I do this..." Demanding he showed her his hand. She gave him the paper and he teared it. She smiled at him. Obviously Severus Snape had a heart.

Of course he has one! You felt it beating. Very intense.

"I'm sorry to confuse you", he said without any emotion.

"Don't worry about that." Hermione felt guilty. His problems were way bigger.

"Too late." His voice was cold.

"I'm sorry." Hermione swallowed.

"I think we can stop to excuse us now", Snape said. "They don't make it unreal."

Hermione nodded and closed her eyes. Snape leaned back in his chair and laid his head back. Slowly she looked up. He still stared at the ceiling. His mouth was barely opened.

God, he is hot.

Hermione startled. Did she really thought that? Oh god.

Snape looked at her. Probably her face was scarlet. Ashamed she looked to the ground.

"Well, your memory seems lively, isn't it?"

"I won't forget it."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Hermione looked at him. He grined a bit. And suddenly she coulnd't handle herself: She started laughing. Hastily she held her hand on her mouth. Nevertheless she couldn't stop. Dumbfounded, Snape looked at her. The he smiled. It wasn't a sarcasm smile. Hermione wiped tears from her eyes, but she couldn't stop.

"Calm down, Miss Granger." Snape seemed very amused.

"I ... I can't", Hermione laughed.

"That's not good for my ego."

"Your ego ... will survive that. M-moreover ... I'm not laughing ... because of you, it's ... it's because of ... I don't now!"

"Because of I don't know?"

Hermione continued laughing. "Maybe ... maybe because ... it's your fault!"

"Is it? I'm not laughing, you see."

"You smiled at me!" Hermione calmed down slowly.

"Oh pardon, Miss Granger. I will tame my mouth from now on." She had to laugh again. Snape lifted his eyebrow. Hermione lost her balance and fell laughing to the ground. Snape stood up and looked to her.

"Is everything alright?", he grined.

"I can't stop", Hermione laughed and held her stomach. Suddenly Snape put his hand on her nack. Hermione startled. It was cold as ice. Finally she could stop laughing.

He pulled his hand back. "Better?"

"Thanks", she murmured. He grined. "Am I such a laughingstock?"

"Not really."

"Now I'm glad." Snape gave her his hand and Hermione took it. It was still cold but she didn't care. He helped her up. The he pulled his hand back. Hermione looked at him.

"What?", he asked. She whispered into his ear: "In contrast to you, Viktor was a laughingstock." Snape trembled.

Hermione grined. "Joking."

He first looked irritated, the he grined again. "What a pitty."

"Fingers crossed." Hermione showed him her hands. Amused, he lifted his eyebrows. "No joking?"

"Nope."

Damn it, why am I so overexcited?

Snape now looked to the ground. He obviously had no idea how to react.

"I', sorry", Hermione said quiet. "I didn't want to confuse you."

"What did we say about excuses?"

"Pointless."

"Right. What happened, happened." He sighed. Hermione looked at him lovingly.

"Don't look at me like that." Snape grpaed his left forearm with his right hand and turned away from her.

"Are you in pain?", she asked.

"No", he murmured. Hermione heard the lie. Carefully she graped his arm. As he felt her touch, he startled. Hermione used this moment and pushed up his sleeve. Her guess came true. He did it again. His arm was full of dryed blood.

"Idiot", she said scared. Snape teared his arm back an pulled the sleeve down. Hermione graped his shoulders and shaked him.

"Stop it! Stop it! You will kill yourself!" He pushed her back in sofrt violence.

"No. It won't happen."

"No? What if you cut your artery?!"

"Then it would be alright."

Hermione stared at him. "Pro-Professor?!"

"Oh, come on, Miss Granger, you see it by yourself: Nobody would miss someone like me." He said it casually as if he would talk about the weather.

"You're wrong, professor", Hermione whisperd and stronke his cheek. "I would miss you badly." She felt him shaking.

"Are you sure, Miss Granger?" His voice was dry. "You would have less a problem."

Hermione couldn't hold on herself after this words: She punched him into the face. "Stop thinking like that!", she shouted while crying. He just stared a her. Hermione couldn't hold on herself anmore and fell crying into his arms.

"M-Miss Granger?" A bit clumsy he stroked her back. Sobbing she buried her face in his chest. "I ... I l-love ..."

"NO!" He pushed her back. Hermione stumbled and bumped into the desk. The pain brought back the tears.

Snape was breathing very heavy. "Get out", he murmured. She didn't react.

"OUT!"

The hate in his voice made her fright. She walked to the door. Every step hurted. Her feet and the desk weren't good friends. As she left the room she turned round once more. Snapes stared at her cold as ice. This glance seemed to follow her the whole day. She couldn't concentrate at all and didn't know any answer. Her classmates were stunend and started whispering behind her back. She didn't care.

Probably he is hurting himself now.

Hermione got sick at this thought. She was afraid he would die.

"Miss Granger?" Hermione startled. Professor McGonagall stood in front of her. Whad did she say?

"I..." She looked on her hands. McGonagall lifted an eyebrow. "You seem a bit distracted."

"I'm sorry."

"Try to sort out your thoughts", the professor said desultory and went back to her desk. If that was so easy...

In the evening she fell completely exhausted into her bed. Thank god she found sleep very soon.

As she left her bed in the next day, Harry run completely upset to her. "Hermione! You have to come with me! It's Ron!"


End file.
